vero89

Why hello thur buzznet! It feels like I spend no time on here at all. I can't even remember the last time I updated or commented on something =/ Idk why. I've been out of school for a week! Anywho How was everyone's Christmas? Mine was awesome. I worked Christmas Eve then went to my grandma's house. I got a 32 gig ipod touch =) It's totally what I wanted! Did you get everything you wanted?

So I don't know if I've ever mentioned a recurring (sp?) dream I've had since I was younger but I hadn't had it in a long time until last night. Only this time it was a little different. If you don't know, I grew up on the south side of Chicago and the suburb (ha "suburb") of Cicero. Neither place is known for its' safety. In fact, Cicero is known for its gang violence and negative stuff like that. To be completely honest I lived there more than half of my life and most of the time, I didn't feel like I was in danger. I guess it's because we (my brothers and cousins) were protected a lot. There was always at least one adult home at all times. I can't say I was naive of the dangers of my neighborhood, especially my neighborhood. Roosevelt Rd is known for it's hookers and drug dealers. When we were little, we had to go inside any time we saw people out on the corner or if a strange car pulled into our drive-way. Growing up where I did, there are just things you know. Don't walk by yourself after dark (In fact don't walk anywhere after dark,nothing good can come of it), don't stand on corners, don't talk to people you don't know (although I'm sure this is universal), what colors you can and cannot wear together and where you can and can't wear certain colors, how to wear your hat, you pants, hell even the tongues of your shoes. It's just common knowledge.

Anyway on to my dream. When I was younger, I always dreamt that there was a drive-by (which are not as common as people make them seem in Cicero geeze!). However, I lived in the attic so obviously I wasn't hurt and neither were my brothers or parents. And luckily my family that lived on the main floor were never hurt either. It was always a white camero (I know nothing about car but my uncle had a white camero and the car looked exactly like my uncle's) and the car was always going the wrong way. 50 ct is a one way but the car always came from Roosevelt rd turning onto 50 ct and it always turned to the left into the alley. And then I would wake up. I was only scared maybe the first few times I had the dream but afterwards I would just fall back to sleep. Last night was the first time in a really long time that I had the dream only this time it was scarier and I couldn't go back to sleep. It was weird because my whole family was on the main floor and someone (I have NO clue who it was) was getting married in the living room. After the ceremony, we were all standing around and then suddenly I was left all alone in the living room and then a gang of guys came in the gate and started running toward the house. I saw they had guns and I guess I was frozen? Idk but then I saw one of them come in through the window and he pointed his gun at me and that's when I realized the guy was my friend Fabian. I was like Fabian what are you doing?!?! And he just yelled TRAITOR at me and then I saw him pull the trigger and that's when I woke up.  

In my dream before, I never saw the people or the guns. I just saw the car and heard the gun shots and that was it. In last night's dream, my entire family was put into danger. I saw the guns in the hands of the boys. And more importantly and scary was that I recognized one of the shooters as a boy I grew up with. He lived down the street from me. My aunt baby sat him. I was in the same class as his brother. He walked me home a lot of the times. I don't know what any of that means but after I woke up I couldn't go back to sleep. Everytime I closed my eyes I would see him with a gun pointed at me and yelling traitor. That's another thing that I can't get out of my mind, why would he call me a traitor? How am I a traitor? Because I moved away? Because I stopped hanging out with him/ the rest of the neighborhood crew when I was in high school?

I can't get over it. I thought if I wrote it out it would help but I don't know =/

I am the biggest hypocrite.

I accuse THEM of being hypocrites

But who's the one who's dressed in black and white?

Ready to sing on that stage?

Singing things she doesn't even believe anymore?

This girl right here.

All just because she missed the stage.

=) So everyone is all ahhhhh christmas!!!!!!!!! To be completely honest I love giving gifts more than I actually like getting them. I don't know why but it's more fun to give people stuff! My coworker asked me today what I wanted to for Christmas and I couldn't really think of anything. But then I spent the rest of the shift thinking about it and here's what I came up with.

1.) Money.

Well what I really want is to get my tuition paid for....or my books....which my parents pay for so I guess I'm kinda getting that. I wish I made more money. I wish I worked more hours. I wish I could find moneys on the streets.

2.) Good Grades.

It doesn't even have to be straight A's. In fact I know I'm not going to get straight A's but I at least need to get B's. I hate school and I hate that I try hard and I still can't make it =/

3.) 32 GIG IPod Touch

This is probably the most ridiculous and least needed thing on this list. My ipod touch is only 8 gigs. I can't put all my music on it because there's not enough memories....I'm going to have to start taking My Chem and Panic! off my sync list! My Chem because I feel like a bad fan because I really only got into them "into them" because BOB BRYAR IS A SEXY MOTHER TRUCKER! Panic.....welll it's just not the same.

4.) Alex Johnson of The Cab

Omg look at him and tell me he is not the most adorable boy in the whole wide world!! I just want to hug him and never let go! Ahhh! He is sooooo cute!!! I love him soooo much. I plan on telling him this soon.....when I find out his address....lol jk jk

Oh hai another picture of Johnson!

 FUCK! Drumers are amazingly hot (Johnson, Bryar, S.Smith, Nate Novarro, P.Stumo, ect).

That's what I want for Christmas....that and World Peace....or Reeses Pieces will do =)

Anyway I'm off, tomorrow I am spending the day in Cicero with Leticia...probably Pattycakez....we're going to see the tree in downtown Chicago...It's funny how I only say downtown and people at work/school are like oh downtown Joliet....and I'm like what the fuck there's a downtown Joliet O_o Soooo where was I going with this??? WHO KNOWS!

Hah I'm just a nerd for Glee! You know how they have that "how Sue Sees it" on the show well this is how Vero Views it =)

So I've come to realize that Ihave a lot of thoughts and not nearly enough time to think them. Yesterday was my first day off in 6 days and all I did was watch tv, then I laid in bed listening to music and thinking. Do you ever do that? Just sit and think? I haven't in so long and I realized that maybe I really need to. I ignore a lot of my thoughts because I just don't have time to think....Does that make any sense?

Anyways one thing that's really on my nerves is Adam Lambert. I don't like him, I never have and it's not because he's gay. He's too over the top. He's overrated. I don't know how to convey my feeling about him so I'll just leave it at that.

People/Things that I think are overrated:

Adam Lambert

Beyonce

Rihanna

Lady Gaga (I just don't get her!! Like I've tried to get her right but I just don't she baffles me! Maybe some day I'll get it but probably not)

Snuggies THEY'RE JUST ROPES THAT YOU PUT ON BACKWARDS!

The Chicago Cubs, they're a horrible team and yet they still have these super loyal fans.

Chicago Sports Omg Chicago people let's get over our sports teams please! I actually annoy myself sometimes when I find that I'm defending my favorite teams.

College. It's not like it is in movies...Well maybe it's because I go to community college. Who knows

Twilight

Taylor (is it er or or??) Lautner. Maybe it's just me but I don't find him very attractive. Is it bad that the whole 6 pack abs or what ever it's called and the huge muscles don't do anything for me? I don't find that HAWT in any way =/ I'm such a weird girl!

Robert Pattinson (Did I get his name right??), basically the same as ^^^^

Research Papers. In English 102 you have to write a ten age paper. The catch is that it has to be about something in a book...and it's a book your teacher chooses. I think it's stupid because what if you absolutely hate the book you had to read or you find that paint drying is more interesting than the book? I think we should be allowed to pick our own topic OR pick our own book (of course it would have to be like a classic or whatever not do it on like Twilight or something) and write the paper on that. I think I could totally write a ten page paper on The Catcher in the Rye. Frankenstein not so much.

Life. It sucks....I think that's it.

Those are the things I think are overrated right now.

Umm so last night it totally hit me that I'm not over Pedro. Why can't I get over him? Like we didn't even date! I have not had a serious crush (wait it's been years so does that qualify as obession?) since my junior year of high school. Every time I meet a new guy, I realized that I think "he's not Pedro" Like this guy, David. He is a perfectly nice guy, he's cute he's smart BUT he's not Pedro. He doesn't sing. He doesn't have beautiful hazel eyes that you get lost in. He doesn't have the same music taste as I do. He doesn't like text messaging or the internet (I know what the fuck?? lol). He's not HIM. And the problem is that I do what with every guy! I can't seem to really like someone because in the back of my mind I'm comparing this new person to Pedro. And it's not cool! I thought I was so over him like blah blah blah there are tons of cute boys blah but it hit me yesterday that he's still not out of my brain.

Why don't I ever write coherently? My brain just wanders and then I forget what I'm writing. I suck =/

So everyone is like super self conscious right? Like me I know I can stand to loose a few (cough 60 lbs cough) pounds but at the same time, I kinda like me. Sure there are times when I look in the mirror and wish I could go in and get plastic surgery done but then some days I'm like damn I'm so adorable! Like no joke the other day I looked in the mirror and was like oh hai pretty girl! But then last week I wanted to just hide from the world. Yeah I don't know where I'm going with this again.

So friends, they're pretty badass to have right? Well what if you have friends but it's not badass? I moved out here (middle of nowhere) 3 (?) years ago and none of my friends have come to visit me in the middle of nowhere. I'm a little annoyed that I have to be the one to travel the 45 to an hour drive so we can hang out. Now I've justified this in the past with "Well they're over there and I'n the only one over here" but isn't friendship supposed to be give and take? It makes me sad when I haven't seen my friends in months because I can't get over to Chicago and they have all these plans to get together. It makes me feel super excluded and like I'm not part of the group anymore. I've only hung out with 5 (?) of my friends from high school since we graduated in June '08. It just sucks not being included.

It's been almost 6 months since Jacque died. Sometimes I just go on her facebook and feel like writing something to her but I always chicken out. I want to tell her I miss her and that I think about her and that I wish....I don't know.

I tend to forget to think positive. I only see the negative side of things. I'm also very self centered. Count how many times I've said " I" in just this journal.

I have to go get ready for work now.

"these are probably the people who speak in tounges and think they're being possessed by the spirits and start seizering on the floor and shit"

That's part of a comment on the Westboro Baptist Church vs ATL post. Maybe this is the chicken way to deal with this but you know what? I don't really care. I'm not one to start crap on a fucking website.

Why am I offended you might ask? Because I'm a Pentecostal Christian. We believe in the baptism of the Holy Spirit so yes I take offence when someone so carelessly degrades the act of speaking in tonges and dancing in the Holy Spirit.

One speaking in tonges was a sign of the baptism of the Holy Spirit in Bible times.

Two we're not "possessed by the spirits" We're being touched by the Holy Spirit or filled with the Holy Spirit.

Three, it's not "seizering on the floor", it's called dancing/being baptized in the Holy Spirit.

I guess it just makes me mad that people say things like that comment without thinking about it. They're talking crap about stuff they don't know. How are you going to smack talk something that you don't know the first thing about?

Again this goes back to my feelings about how un-Christian friendly the internet is, specifically social networking sites. I know I know, if I have a problem with something I can just ignore it or whatever but it makes me angry that everyone can say how God doesn't exist and how wrong Christian beliefs and practices are but as soon as someone comes and defends the faith they get jumped on.

I've been reading a lot of "Christians are a bunch of ignorant brainwashed assholes" posts lately. I guess to an extent Christians bring it on to themselves but kinda how not all Atheists are the same, not all Christians are the same. Please stop generalizing and saying things like All Christians are idiots. It's not fair nor is it true....

I've just realized how unorganzied my thoughts are which in turn make my writing unorganized.

I don't know anything I guess, after all I'm just one of those "people who speak in tonges and start seizering on the floor and shit."

 

I like how most of the time I start my journals by saying "I should be...." I was legit going to start with I should be doing an outline for speech. Anyways that is what I should be doing but I'm not. I suppose i should also be posting discussion answers for my intro to teaching class. And I should be researching Antibiotic resistance. But mostly writing my outline, it's due today at midnight...Well actually I think my presentation on antibiotic resistance was due today but um i don't know. I don't know much of anything. 

Tomorrow I'm going to my first school observation. I've been nauseated all day. Thinking of all the wrong things that could happen.

Do you wanna know what's fucked up about my mom's family?

..... EVERYTHING.

No joke. 

So my aunt's baby shower was saturday. It started out good, boring but aren't all baby showers? Anyway then these people (Idk who they were, they weren't related to...I don't think.) started drinking. Then umm shit talking happened. I got angry, embarrassed and umm pissed the fuck off. Angry because my aunt and cousin were talking about my mom behind her back. Embarrassed because my mom was yelling at all the kids to stop running (which is why my aunt and cousin were talking shit). Pissed the fuck off because my mom's family is full of backstabbing bitches. Like if you have a fucking problem don't go and talk shit behind the person's back, either shut the fuck up and control your fucking kid OR say something.  I hate when my mom starts telling people how to raise their kids or starts yelling at someone else's kid. It's like what the fuck, do you not see how your kids turned out??? Yeah sure in front of my parents we're well behaved and "nice" kids but well for me it's more out of I don't want to hear them nag and bitch so i just don't do things in front of them. Whatever. It really pissed me off on Saturday. Hmm then everyone started drinking because my mother's family are all drunks. Like not even kidding. They drink FOR EVERYTHING. Baptisms, cotillions, weddings (well that's a given), funerals, kids' birthday parties, baby showers, EVERYTHING. And the thing is that to begin with, my mom and her sisters aren't quiet, now add alcohol to the mix, you get so much fucking noise and arguing. And then my uncle was there and he's an even worse drunk. He legit punched a fucking wall til he broke his hand...and then he threw up everywhere, all this was at a baptism. Anyways I forgot where I was going with this. But anyway. Apparently my aunt (great aunt? She's my mom's aunt but I call her aunt too) married her first cousin....which is fucking gross!! I only found this out because I asked my mom how my uncle's (same drunk uncle as above, he's my mom's cousin but I call him uncle...kinda like my cousins' kids are my niece and nephew ha Mexicans are so weird.)mom was related to us because she doesn't look like anyone in the family. And that is how I found out. Oh and this same aunt was married before and apparently everyone believes her first husband killed my great grandma! My mom was telling me all this and I was like WHAT?!?!?!? She didn't get to expand on the story about the whole my great grandma being murdered because we got home and she was going to bed. But OMG!! Her family is so fucked up! Well I guess compared to my family, hers is fucked up. 

Oh by the way, yes I do call my dad's side of the family MY family and my mom's side of the family HER family. It's funny because I actually grew up with them, like we lived in my maternal grandfather's house... But I've never felt like I actually belonged with them. They're loud, outgoing, social, friendly, tiny, skinny, pretty, all things I'm not. I used to want to belong even just a little bit but now I don't want to be anything like any of them. None of them have really done anything with their lives, except my aunt who is in the military. If I'm completely honest, I don't respect any of them, except my aunt Claudia (she's in the military) and my aunt Carmen (She went back to school and got her certification to be a medical assistant this past summer!).

So yeah I don't know what I just wrote.

Oh wait! Like a week or two ago the Chicago SunTimes had an article that made me sad, helpless, and a little angry. The article was stating that Hispanic students are already behind their white peers by the time they enter KINDERGARDEN. KINDERGARDEN GUYS!!! And by the 1st grade, they're behind their other peers who don't speak English as their first language. It saddens me because.... How do they expect these kids to do well when they're already behind in the game? It's unfair to them =/ It makes me feel helpless because honestly? What can *I* do??? What can WE do as a society? There's not much. Universal Preschool?? I don't think that would work either. It makes me angry because....this is all Mexican (or "Hispanic" I don't like the name hispanic so I don't use it often nor do I like the term Latino/a) Parents' fault! What the hell instead of watching their freaking novelas (spanish soap operas) all day, they should be helping their child by going to school THEMESELVES. Do you know how many stay at home Mexican mothers I know that do NOTHING all day but watch their novelas?? Tons! Instead of wasting brain cells with that shit on tv they could be at school or at least trying to learn English. We've made it so easy for them to just keep Spanish. I'm not saying not to speak Spanish. Hell I speak Spanish and I hope to teach my children Spanish. But do you know how much harder it is for a small child to dominate a language when they're learning and hearing English at school and then at home they're listening and speaking Spanish. Most kids by the time they get to 3rd/4th grade don't dominate either language. They've been in school long enough that they don't speak Spanish all the time but they don't speak English properly and also by then their Spanish is nearly forgotten, making it hard for them to communitcate with their Spanish Speaking parents.

I think I went off in a tangent again =/ Well now I've lost my train of thought. I really need to get started on that outline.

Hey if you actually got through all this shit, thanks!

Ugh I'm annoyed! I want to punch things!! Well no I want to punch people! why do i have the friends that I do!?!?? I mean seriously someone answer me that! GGRRRRRRRRR

So im trying to write something here and I can't even think. I'm not even sure why I'm annoyed. It's just like no one seems to get it...but I have no fucking clue what IT is! Like I need to say something but I don't kno what I want to say or who I want to say it to,  It's stupid how annoyed I am. i honestly have no reason to be annoyed. I just ugh!

And what the fuck is with eveyone I know fucking having kids!?!? I mean seriously? Everywhere I go someone is pregnant or just had a baby. And honestly how are my lesbian friends all having kids???? Yeah Yeah yeah I know if they're lesbian how can they get pregnant. apparently they decided they werent gay or only bisexual I don't know all I know is that they're having kids now. =/ Why can't I find a guy who wants me? i mean it's like EVERYONE has someone and I have no one. I'm tired of having no one. I'm not saying I want to get married and have kids like right the fuck now but I just want to be wanted. And that makes me feel pathetic. I'm a goddamn woman of the 21st century! I should want to be wanted! I shouldnt want to be told I'm pretty. I feel like I've failed Susan B. Anthony and Elizabeth Cady Staton. I'm sure they're rolling over in their graves right now because of me.

 

UGH IM DONE! SOMEONE GET ME AWAY FROM THE INTERNET!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

It's really hard being in the middle.

I wish I didn't have to be the one in the middle all the time.

It's always them against him, him against them.

I'm really tired of it.

He complains about them and their rules, I say you're 24 move the fuck out of the house if you don't like their rules.

They complain that he stays out all night, I say kick him out if you're so tired of dealing with him.

None of them talk to each other.

They all only talk to me.

And it hurts so much.

I hate being their middle person.

Hi guys!!

How is everyone?? Well, I hope =)

Since I last wrote, I have turned 20!!! Woot woot no longer a teen!! Which I still haven't decided if it's a good or bad thing. Last year I said I didn't feel like I was 19...well this year it's not different, I don't feel my age! I guess I always thought that at 20 I would have this whole life thing figured out. I'd have my career plan and I'd have the cute boyfriend by my side, and I would be partying with my friends every weekend...but it's not. I'm still as insanely insecure and completely lost as I was in high school...not wait I take it back, I wasn't lost in high school. I was just insanely insecure lol Well actually I think maybe I've gained some self confidence... at least I think I'm cute lmfao Which I mean hello have you seen my smile? I'm adorable! *sigh* anyways! As I was saying, wait what was I saying?

Meh so for my birthday, I went miniture golfing with April =) I suck! She beat me lol Then we went to eat at Portillos. It was all stupid drama though, I was originally supposed to hang out with April then go eat with Ana and Patty but Haunted Trails is right by the Portillos we were gonna go to so I was like hey why not just have April come with us. Well apparently all my friends hate each other? *sigh* So whatever I was like screw it and went with April...but then I felt bad for cancelling with Patty and Ana sooo we ended up meeting up for coffee. Fun times were had at Starbucks...I always love hanging out with Ana and Patty, they're awesome. At the same time it's bittersweet. If it weren't for Jacque, my friend who passed away in June, I wouldn't have met them. I wouldn't have met Leticia *she was my best friend through most of high school*. We were trying to figure out how we'd all met and bascially we came to the conclusion that it was because of Jacque. For me, it kinda made me miss her a lot more. I wish she was still around. We're making all these plans for our 21st birthdays and it hurts that she won't be there....I don't know, it's just hard, you know? After sitting around talking at Starbucks we decided to visit Leticia at work lol So we bothered her there for a bit....hmm then we went to this place off Cermak and 16th to get nachos...well actually they got nachos I didn't lmfao I was still full from eating earlier. By that time it was almost 9 so we decided to call it night...mostly because Patty had class the next day and Ana had to work and I live an hour away lmfao. An added bonus was that my mom had to drop some stuff off to my former pastor's wife so we had to stop by my old church and my best friend Andy was there =) Best Birthday present ever! Seeing him and talking and just being with him! It was awesome and made my already great day even better. He's so good at encouraging me and making me feel better just by being himself. =) He is the greatest. I have no idea what I would do without him.

Last piece of news is that I guess I'm going back to pretending to be the good little Christian. I felt it was unfair of my new pastor to yell at the youth pastor because I had stopped participating in church. Like I told my mother, my spiritual life is between me and God, not me, God, and the pastor. And last Sunday the pastor's wife was all like Veronica we need to talk and blah blah blah. Sooo what did I do? I pretended to have a good time in church. I sang along with the songs, I said AMEN, I smiled and was pleasant to everyone...and well she never did call me nor did she email me like she said she would. Tomorrow I will be in church, pretending once again. I've decided it's easier to pretend than it is to act like myself.

So that is all.

Oh I forgot I was going to write a journal...I just opened it and forgot all about it....

HAI GUISE!!! HOW ARE YOU DOING?

Guess what? My birthday is on Thursday! And I'm spending it with April and she's awesome =) She's got a surprise planned for me...I'm looking forward to it even though I don't really like surprises. lol

Ugh I'm so tired! I worked from 12 to 8 today. I haven't worked an 8 hour shift in a while, it wiped me out. Mostly because I had to do everything. The girl who was there with me tonight fractured her wrist and she just recently came back but she has all these restrictions and it sucks bcuz there is very little she can do. Working in the bakeshop requires a lot of hands on stuff. All she can do is set up, bake and package cookies...and she's slow =/ It makes it harder on me to get everything done. But whatever. I finished my work early. My boss had told me that if I had time to decorate some cakes for the freezer. Shh don't tell my boss but I kinda like to decorate the cakes =) But I don't want to do it because I always think my cakes look icky or whatever, lol. Anyway since I had time I did a few cakes, I wish I had more time though. I only decorated for like an hour.

School has been meh. Nothing really to report about school. It's better now I guess because I have people to talk to in class...well except Intro to Teaching...I spend most of that class on twitter lol It's sooo boring! I have to call schools =/ I've put it off long enough.

Ummm what else....ummm Idk! Okay I'm done rambling for the night!

Oh hai thur everyone! How is everyone? Anyone doing anything interesting this coming weekend? So I was thinking about it (cuz I do a lot of thinking) and there are only two women I would ever seriously consider being with, Amy Lee and Ashlee Simpson-Wentz. Yeah I know both are married...but then again I don't like girls so whatever! And now I'm going to picspam you with pictures bcuz they're beautiful!

 

 

And as much as I love Ash and want to have her for me (lol) I have to admit that her and her husband are WAY too adorable! For a little while I tried to hate their relationship but they are way too perfect. I feel lame bcuz whenever I read in those shitty tabloid magazines that they've broken up or that their relationship is "on the rocks" I get really angry! Lol I know I know it's stupid but I really want them to last. As lame as it sounds, I think their love is true love and if they were to break up it would make me sad...dare I say it would even break my heart to not see these two together.

Come on after seeing those pictures there's no way you can't say that Pete and Ash arent perfect together!

 

And now I've just wasted like half an hour looking for all those pictures...man I don't wanna do my biology hw! I'm thirsty...maybe I'll go get a soda or water....OH guess what? I get to go to another Jewel and work there for a day =) They need someone to do set. my old crew chief works there now and he said to ask if I could work for that one day and my new crew chief said yes lol It should be fun working with Turnis again...even if it is for one night lol

 

Okay okay need to get something done today! Good night lovely people =)

So I guess I haven't written a random thoughts journal in quite some time...Uh I really wish I could say I was busy living life or whatever lmfao but um not so much. I blame it on twitter! Whenever something pops into my head I just "tweet" it instead of keeping it in my brain til I can get to a computer to write in a journal lol I haven't even been on BN much. It seems like everyone I used to talk to is either gone or taking a break or who knows what! It started to feel lonely...if that's possible?  I dunno lately it seems like i really don't have anything to say. My brain has all these thoughts and I can't seem to get them straight. I'm always worried about one thing or another. Ugh there is so much I want to say but don't know how to say it. It's frustrating not being able to express myself.

I started my 2nd year of college 2? weeks ago. I love love love my first two classes! Speech and Abnormal Psych. My teachers are super awesome and love what they teach so it makes class so much more fun. My Intro To Teaching class is boring. She just drones on and on about who knows what! The only thing good that's come out of that class is this really awesome doddle I did lmfao. My biology class is meh. I hate science, it makes no sense to me whatesoever and honestly doesn't interest me. But I guess it's alright. My English class sucks! Well I hate English soo I guess that may have a little to do with the me not liking the class. My teacher just seems to ramble about stuff and she makes these "witty" comments that only she laughs at. It's quite sad....and a tad but funny. I have to start calling school to set up "observation times" Ugh do not want! I hate talking on the phone. Every time my phone rings my heart starts beating really fast until I see who's calling. It's even worse when I have to make a phone call! No matter who it is I'm calling my heart is ready to jump out. I always feel dumb on the phone. I'm like ten million times more awkward on the phone than I am in person...although I am a bit of a spaz in person too.

Soo I finally "quit" the worship team at church. Basically I just stopped showing up to practices and stuff. I just didn't see the point in singing something I don't believe or feel. And I didn't like the way I was being treated. I was the youngest one on the worship team and it felt like my thoughts and ideas were never considered. I suggested a few songs and we've never even practiced them. And it kinda felt like they didn't want me in the group, which hurt more than anything. Like if I don't fit in with my "brothers and sisters in Christ" where do I fit in?? My family and I have been at this new church for a little over a year. And not once have I felt as though I was part of the group or like they wanted me there. There's no one my age at that church. I'm 2 years older than the oldest person in the "youth group". I hate not having someone to talk to after church. So again I feel like I don't belong. The new pastors are constantly leaving my parents out of things or just giving my parents the cold shoulder.  It's just idk really hurtful =/

It was my bff Birthday Sept 2 =) Aww my litto Andy is 20!! Oh man that means we've now known each other for half of our lives! We were 9/10 when we met =D My birthday is 22 days after his lol This year kinda sucks because I didn't get to see him.  I don't know when I'll see him next. Chicago is too far away from me now!! Ugh stupid middle of nowhere suburb!

So for my first speech *I present on Wednesday!!* it's called the "Life in a Bag" speech. Basically I have to fill a bag with 3-5 items that are significant to me and explain them to the class. And I just got an idea to help me prepare! BRB taking picshurs!!

K I'm back! Here are my items! In no particular order:

 

RoseArt marker. For now, my major Elementary Education. I love working with kids. I love their minds. There is so much going on in their head and if you ever have the chance to talk with a 5/6 year old, do it! The things they say are awesome lol

Um this is a souvenir I got from Brookfield Zoo, the last time I went...I think it was last year a few days before my birthday. I love the zoo! I don't know why, I just like being there. It reminds me of grade school and all the fun field trips I had back then. Brookfield Zoo is my absolute favorite zoo! Lincoln Park Zoo is okay but Brookfield is just cooler.

 

This is my ticket stub for my first concert ever. It was to see Fall Out Boy on the Young Wild Things tour. My brother got me tickets for my 18th birthday. It was so much fun. I remember coming home that day and just thinking, best day of my life! Nothing could beat the feeling of being in that arena. My favorite band on stage, doing what they do best! Oh man even now thinking back to my first concert I can't help but smile. For my 2nd concert I went again to see Fall Out Boy and I kinda knew what to expect but man can those boys rock! They blew me away again =D

 

This is Teddy. I got him when I was 6 or 7? My mom used to work Saturdays so my brothers and I were left at home with my dad on Saturday mornings. Usually that meant breakfast from Mickey D's ...or no breakfast at all lol But anyways! My dad gets tickets for The Cubs, White Sox and Bears from work and I guess that weekend he had tickets for a Bear's game. And like most fathers, he wanted to take his two sons...but they didn't want to wake up...guess who was awake?? Yup, me! Lol So my dad get me ready and I went to my first *and I think only lol* Chicago Bears game. It was freezing! I had a coat, gloves, a scarf and I think 2 blankets and I was still cold! We only stayed for like an hour before my dad was like okay let's go. Back to my bear lol They were giving away these Beanie baby bears to the first I don't know how many kids and I got one! So I've had this little guy for about 13 years. I think the reason he means so much to me is because I got him on a day where it was just my dad and me. Back then there were hardly any days that I got to spend with just my dad. I dunno it's just a nice memory.

 

Sooo this is my 1 year of service pin from work. In August it was a whole year that I have worked for Jewel's bakeshop! I consider that an accomplishment, to have stayed at a job for a year. It's been a hard year. Sometimes I felt like quitting lol MANY times actually. I've learned not to care what customers say when they're being dificult. When I first started I used to want to cry every time they yelled at me, even if the mistake wasn't my fault. i've learned that people are just jerks. I still don't understand how someone can be so rude/cruel to another human being like some customers have been toward me or my cowokers. I don't know what makes them feel entitled to call me dumb or inform me on how much I suck at my job or question my knowledge of my job. I just don't get t bother me anymore, it's like fine sure you know more about the bread we bake than I do! Or yes you know how to decorate cakes better than our decorators. Lol I must admit though, when a mom comes in and sees the cake for her son/daughter and she loves it, that makes my day! Or when I can help someone decide that kind of dessert to get and they come back the next day or whenever and say thank you, that makes my job fun!

Ahh I just realized how late it is!! I gotta get to sleep! My family is coming over to my house to celebrate Labor day/ my mom's Birthday!

 

Good Night! And sorry for this ridiculously long journal!

Oh my fucking god I fucking get it! I suck at life. I'm the worst friend in the world. I don't deserve to have friends. I'm a wuss, I'm a sissy, I'm a bitch. I fucking get it! I'm tired of you constantly reminding me. I know how much of a horrible person I am for ditching my friend. I fucking get but it doesn't change anything! Just please stop? I don't like feeling like this and you're making it even worse. I take things my friends say to heart and so yeah when you keep reminding me that I'm a bad friend for not going to the concert I take it to heart and I feel like shit. You don't know how many headaches and tears you've caused with your words.

I'm sorry I can't change who I am. I'm sorry I can't be like you. I'm sorry I'm me.

I would trade places with you in a heartbeat.

So basically I've been a bad friend, not commenting on stuff and I'm sorry about that. I just haven't felt like being online. I'm either playing on the Wii, Mario Kart is freaking addictive! Or I'm busy worrying about my irl problems. It's days like today that I really wish I had a boyfriend so I could call him up and have him tell me nice things and make me feel warm and cuddly. However since I don't I'm forced *only not really* to write pathetic blogs. Soo I'm pretty much working all the time and even still I can barely afford to pay my monthly school tuition. And I know what you're thinking, Vero what about Financial Aid? Well apparently even thought I'm the one paying for my school I have to use my parents' information to apply for Financial Aid...which kinda sucks because my parents made too much money last year! Which I know it's horrible of me to be complaining about my parents making too much money but the thing is that they're not paying for school I AM! I'm still poor! So on Wednesday I'll have $4 dollars to my name...AND I still need to pay my part of the phone bill. It sucks that I'll have to ask my parents for money for my text books. Even used, all my books come up to $350+ =/

When school starts Im gonna be fucked! I have to figure out a way to work at least 16 hours a week so I can have enough money in the bank to pay for school. I have 5 classes this semester, one of them is Biology, I hate science and yes it is because I don't understand it that I hate it. So Im going to school three times a week for 6 hours a day Homework is going to kick my ass. Especially bio and English *I'm a horrific writer and an even more horrible speller and not to mention my grammer is ridiculous* AND I have to work/volunteer at a school for minimun of 15 hours this semester. UGH my head hurts!

I don't know how I'm going to handle everything. I just kinda feel like giving up. I mean is it even worth it? I don't even really want to be a teacher anymore. I think I'll be the world's most shittastic teacher! Poor future students!

So the Blink 182 concert is coming up and I don't think I can go. Problem 1, my parents What do I tell them? Do I lie? Do I tell them the truth and have them hate me? Problem 2 I don't drive. The concert is in Tinely Park... which is a good hour from where I live aka the middle of fucking nowhere. My brother has offered to work in the morning and take me, I'd arrive late but that's okay cuz I've never heard of Chester French. Problem 3 I would need to give him gas money... 'nough said. Problem 4 Two other people have requested the 15 off at work, one of them has a final so duh she's going to get the day off and the other person requesting off is my crew chief, I think she gets more say in scheduling than I do. Problem 5 I don't want my parents to hate me.

=/

 

Ugh I'm done with the pity party! Soo here's some good: I got my 1 year anniversary pin from work =) I have been part of the actual workforce for a whole year! I wanted to quit like two weeks after starting but look at me now...oh wait I still want to quit =D I talked to my bff the other night, and even though talking to him on the phone makes me miss him more than ever it makes me happy that even 30 something miles away, we can still read each others thoughts and finish each other's sentences. But boy do I miss him! Today I started my "excerise program" aka I started running. I forgot how much I actually love running. I need a playlist though! So ideas would be very much appreciated! I plan on running 15 mins in the morning and running a mile at night. I was actually only going to run for 15 minutes tonight but then Take It Home by The White Tie Affair started up and I just kept going lol TWTA is an awesome band for working out to! k Well I'm done for the night!

I'm in the process of cleaning it but meh don't feel like it anymore. Soooo what has been up?? I don't remember what my last journal was about...was it The Cab concert?? If so, since then my family from Texas/Washington D.C. has come and gone. They came for the 4th of July and stayed for a week. It was fun having my cousin Cynthia around. She's my age well technically she's still a few months younger than me but whatever. We fought a lot when we were younger. When they used to come visit from Texas I would look forward to them leaving =D But since we've gotten older, we have a lot of similar tastes (She likes almost all the same music I do). It was fun hanging out with her, I was sad to see her go. My uncle came with his family from Washington D.C. We hadn't seen him since '03 when my grandmother passed away and up until last year. we hadn't even heard from him, he kinda just fell off the face of the earth. I met my 3 yr old cousin, Alexa, for the first time the 4th of July. And I met my uncle's 8 yr old Step Daugher Ismenia too. Omg she is soo freaking adorable! I love her! She is just too cute! She's my new favorite little cousin lol We took the oppurtunity that most of the grandkids were together and took pictures of all of us (grandkids) with my grandpa because he was visiting from Mexico. Soo here are the pictures (btw there were like ten million people taking pictures which is why in most of them we're all looking different ways lmfao)

^^^ That's probably the best one lmfao

So 1st row from left to right: Destinee *yeah my aunts can't spell lmfao*, Ismenia, Alexa. Kayla, Bryan *Litto jerk was born on MY birthday!! lol* 2nd row: Cynthia, Sandra, Alberto *omg he grew sooo freaking tall!!*, My grandpa *my mom's dad*, Micheal *my litto brother*, Brenda, Junior, Me *hells yeah I'm wearing my Fall Out Boy hoodie!!*, Diana *Hai bb Mia still in her belly!! Mia Elena was born less than a week later*, and Juan, my older brother and the oldest grandkid =)

On monday, Cyn, Juan, Ana banana and I went to Lincoln Park Zoo. It's lamer than Brookfield Zoo BUT Lincoln is free lol

^^^^ Be jealous of my Eeyore shirt! Lol So when Cyn and I were younger we went to Lincoln Zoo and took a picture like this =) So we decided to do it for old times sake, too bad I can't find the pic of us when we were younger.

^^^ Cyn, Me and Ana banana =) I was jealous of Ana's Killers shirt!!

My brother took this picture, Ana did not wanna take a picture with me!!!

^^^^ Yeah I don't know, he's my brother??

 

Tuesday I worked. Wednesday, everyone came over to my house. Twas a blast! Ismenia IM-ed with Pedro and it was hilarious!! Triple chocolate cake was consumed and it made me happy lol

 

^^Alexa and Ismenia, being adorable!

^^^ BABY!!! Or should I say former BABY! Lol My nephew Isaiah, he's now a big brother =)

^^^Again Alexa and Ismenia being super mega ultra cute!

^^^ Oh she is definetely MY little cousin!! Do you see the evil grin on Imenia's face?? Lol sadly, the toy gun stopped working and Cyn was saved from being shot!

^^^ Hai bb! He was totes jumping on my bed when I caught him, that little munchkin!

^^^ This was at the end of the night lol Alexa wouldn't stop moving!

Thursday, I worked? Yes I did! Friday Cyn and my brothers and I went shopping at Woodfield Mall, I'd never been there...it's alright? I guess IDK! The cashiers at Hot Topic and FYE were extremely chatty! Lol Oh at the end of our shopping trip is when we got the message/picture of baby Mia =)

^^^ I totes stole this from Diana's myspace. Isaiah and Mia! My cousin has very cute babies! lol

Umm nothing else has really happened...so with that I leave you! I need to finish at least putting my clothes away!

 

He is not my hero.

He was never my hero.

I did however hold him up to a higher standard.

It may not have been fair.

But I did.

I have no right to judge.

I am not disappointed in him.

I am not going to make excuses for him.

I am scared for him.

He is so talented.

It would be a shame for the world to lose such a talented young man.

 

 

Im sure most of you know who Im talking about, no need to name names.

And sooo I did nothing, I was laying on my bed all day reading magazines, coloring pictures and whatnot. I was gonna write about Thursday's Cab concert but it was soo long ago! Lmfao I have short term memory loss like Cash I think? Well here's what I member,

I work in the morning which sucked cuz I never do my hair for work cuz uh I wear a visor, my hair just gets messed up! ANYWAYS! My wonderful brother was going to drive me because he is wonderful. We stopped at Mickey D's bcuz we were both starving. Sooo then uhh there was a lot of driving and texting Ana Banana and uhh Twittering lol So I finally eventually met up with Ana and we waited in line....Uh it was cool? I honestly didn't know any of the other bands and they were all outside and I had no idea who they were. I said what's up to some kid in Anarbor *I think that's the name of the band* but I didn't know he was in a band lol It was just being polite or whatever. I felt outta place what with all the other people there being like ten years old lol

Um at one point Cash and Johnson passed by the crowd and uh no one noticed them? Lol I was like hey isn't that...and Ana was like yeah I think it was...then we both commented on how freaking skinny and short Cash is IRL.(BTW he is not as cute IRL as he is in pictures.) While we were still waiting Singer and Marshall passed by too no one said hi to Marshall *I did feel a little bad I should have said hai or something but hello IM SHY!!* We talked to the girls in front of us for a little bit. THEN FINALLY IT WAS TIME TO GO INSIDE!! Lol I remembered what Kerri had said about going to the balcony and I asked Ana if she wanted to go up there and up we went! Best suggestion EVAR Kerri! It was freaking awesome! && We were right by where the guys have to go to get out of the "backstage" area.

Anarbor was first uh they were rad? OnlyNotReally. I spent half my time watching all the guys in The Cab walk past me...not being brave enough to ask for a picture. Then um some other band came on idk who they were lol Um then Eye Alaska came on and ugh they sucked. I wanted to kill myself a little bit lol Ana agreed with me. BUT they did have a Mark *Panasonicyouth* emo look alike....like if Mark were emo he'd look like that guy. Um then The Summer Set came on, they rocked! I had never heard of them but they were awesome! Then The Secret Handshake came on, he was cool for like ten minutes then after that I got bored lol As we were watching The Secret Handshake, The Cab boys were walking back and forth, Singer was standing like 5 ft away from me (girls were hanging all over him, it was icky.) FINALLY as the crew was setting up The Cab's stuff I got the nerve to ask Johnson for a picture =) AHHH IT WAS SOO AWESOME AND I WAS SO NERVOUS AND HE IS SO GREAT!! *Guise Im planning our wedding, you're all invited of course lol* Then they went on stage and it was ~MAGICAL~ lol They're pretty cool live. I must admit that Singer can actually sing! Too bad he annoys me =) Anyways Singer and Bryan did an acoustic set, at which point the other boys went bye bye from the stage and Johnson uhh went bye bye from the venue! lmfao Not sure what he did. All I know was we heard loud arguing then the bouncer was escorting Johnson outta the building and Cash was acting like a 2 yr old slamming doors and throwing shit. But umm yeah Johnson was MIA for a bit. He was eventually let back in...and everyone cheered and clapped. It was grand. They did two more songs and they were out! Lol It was a pretty awesome show though.

OH! Guys, Guys GUISE!!! New guy is such a fucking hottie! I'd hit that (But I'm marrying Johnson remember??) And he is incredbly sweet. Ana and I were waiting outside the venue for my brother to pick us up and he was just standing there and I asked Ana if she would take a picture of he and I...and she was like that's not him....so then we argued for a little while until I was like dude it's him and she said FINE! lol He is ridiculously tall! and did I mention a total hottie??

So that is all I recall from that night...there are videos but Im a little slow and don't know how to embed (is that even the right word?) videos in my journal! So I'll upload the videos later like tomorrow.

....My bff just called me =) I miss him soo much all the time ='(

Good night all! 

Tonight was soo much fun! I went to see The Cab with my friend Ana =) The real blog will be done tomorrow! Pictures and videos will also be up =)

But now Im super mega ultra tired so Im going to shower and go to bed! I work tomorrow at 10 am =/

AWESOME SHOW THOUGH!!!!!!!!! 

I wish I could stand up to my parents! Tell them hey it's my life I should enjoy it! I wish I could just go out and do whatever I want whenever I want. Why don't people understand that I really just can't stand up to my parents! I feel so guilty, Everything I do i want them to be proud of me, I want to make them happy. I don't like when they fight over something I or my brothers did, I hate feeling like I've let them down. I take eveything my parents say to heart, So when my dad condemns me to hell for asking to go to a concert hell yeah Im going to feel like shit. I can't just brush it off like most people. I just want my parents to approve and it hurts so much knowing that they don't approve of the music I listen to or just letting me go out with friends. I mean how many 19 year olds ASK their parents if they can go somewhere? None of my friends ask for permission, they just do it.

I just wish I weren't me. I wish I were braver.

DAAHHH Whatever Im done being an emo teenager because fuck it Im not a teenager anymore. I have to grow up and accept the fact that I can't please everyone.

I was gonna make a top 10 list of hottest dads but umm I can only come up with four =( Then I thought of one more so now it's my Top 5 List of hottest dads!

 

1.) First we have Joel Madden, father to daughter, Harlow Winter Kate Ritchie Madden *omg try saying her name without running outta breath! Lol*

2.) Next we have Billie Joe Armstrong, father to sons, Joseph Marciano and Jakob Danger Armstrong.

3.) Third we have Dr, Cullen aka Peter Facinelli, father to Luca Bella, Lola Ray and Fiona Eve.

 

4.) In fourth we have a new daddy, Gerard Way, father to Bandit Lee Way!

5.) Lastly we have Pete Wentz, father to Bronx Mowgli Wentz. I debated putting Pete on my list because personally? I don't find him to be that hot but I must admit he has his moments! And I know I could have chosen like a million other pictures of Pete but I love this picture!

^^That pictures makes me go Awww!!!

 

And there you have my top 5 hottest dads! =)

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.....And because Im convinced that BX is also his bb, Patrick Stump! =D