Vero89's Journals

Anyone Interpret Dreams?

Why hello thur buzznet! It feels like I spend no time on here at all. I can't even remember the last time I updated or commented on something =/ Idk why. I've been out of school for a week! Anywho How was everyone's Christmas? Mine was awesome. I worked Christmas Eve then went to my grandma's house. I got a 32 gig ipod touch =) It's totally what I wanted! Did you get everything you wanted?

So I don't know if I've ever mentioned a recurring (sp?) dream I've had since I was younger but I hadn't had it in a long time until last night. Only this time it was a little different. If you don't know, I grew up on the south side of Chicago and the suburb (ha "suburb") of Cicero. Neither place is known for its' safety. In fact, Cicero is known for its gang violence and negative stuff like that. To be completely honest I lived there more than half of my life and most of the time, I didn't feel like I was in danger. I guess it's because we (my brothers and cousins) were protected a lot. There was always at least one adult home at all times. I can't say I was naive of the dangers of my neighborhood, especially my neighborhood. Roosevelt Rd is known for it's hookers and drug dealers. When we were little, we had to go inside any time we saw people out on the corner or if a strange car pulled into our drive-way. Growing up where I did, there are just things you know. Don't walk by yourself after dark (In fact don't walk anywhere after dark,nothing good can come of it), don't stand on corners, don't talk to people you don't know (although I'm sure this is universal), what colors you can and cannot wear together and where you can and can't wear certain colors, how to wear your hat, you pants, hell even the tongues of your shoes. It's just common knowledge.

Anyway on to my dream. When I was younger, I always dreamt that there was a drive-by (which are not as common as people make them seem in Cicero geeze!). However, I lived in the attic so obviously I wasn't hurt and neither were my brothers or parents. And luckily my family that lived on the main floor were never hurt either. It was always a white camero (I know nothing about car but my uncle had a white camero and the car looked exactly like my uncle's) and the car was always going the wrong way. 50 ct is a one way but the car always came from Roosevelt rd turning onto 50 ct and it always turned to the left into the alley. And then I would wake up. I was only scared maybe the first few times I had the dream but afterwards I would just fall back to sleep. Last night was the first time in a really long time that I had the dream only this time it was scarier and I couldn't go back to sleep. It was weird because my whole family was on the main floor and someone (I have NO clue who it was) was getting married in the living room. After the ceremony, we were all standing around and then suddenly I was left all alone in the living room and then a gang of guys came in the gate and started running toward the house. I saw they had guns and I guess I was frozen? Idk but then I saw one of them come in through the window and he pointed his gun at me and that's when I realized the guy was my friend Fabian. I was like Fabian what are you doing?!?! And he just yelled TRAITOR at me and then I saw him pull the trigger and that's when I woke up.

In my dream before, I never saw the people or the guns. I just saw the car and heard the gun shots and that was it. In last night's dream, my entire family was put into danger. I saw the guns in the hands of the boys. And more importantly and scary was that I recognized one of the shooters as a boy I grew up with. He lived down the street from me. My aunt baby sat him. I was in the same class as his brother. He walked me home a lot of the times. I don't know what any of that means but after I woke up I couldn't go back to sleep. Everytime I closed my eyes I would see him with a gun pointed at me and yelling traitor. That's another thing that I can't get out of my mind, why would he call me a traitor? How am I a traitor? Because I moved away? Because I stopped hanging out with him/ the rest of the neighborhood crew when I was in high school?

I can't get over it. I thought if I wrote it out it would help but I don't know =/

.

I am the biggest hypocrite.

I accuse THEM of being hypocrites

But who's the one who's dressed in black and white?

Ready to sing on that stage?

Singing things she doesn't even believe anymore?

This girl right here.

All just because she missed the stage.

Baby All I Want For Christmas is

=) So everyone is all ahhhhh christmas!!!!!!!!! To be completely honest I love giving gifts more than I actually like getting them. I don't know why but it's more fun to give people stuff! My coworker asked me today what I wanted to for Christmas and I couldn't really think of anything. But then I spent the rest of the shift thinking about it and here's what I came up with.

1.) Money.

Well what I really want is to get my tuition paid for....or my books....which my parents pay for so I guess I'm kinda getting that. I wish I made more money. I wish I worked more hours. I wish I could find moneys on the streets.

2.) Good Grades.

It doesn't even have to be straight A's. In fact I know I'm not going to get straight A's but I at least need to get B's. I hate school and I hate that I try hard and I still can't make it =/

3.) 32 GIG IPod Touch

This is probably the most ridiculous and least needed thing on this list. My ipod touch is only 8 gigs. I can't put all my music on it because there's not enough memories....I'm going to have to start taking My Chem and Panic! off my sync list! My Chem because I feel like a bad fan because I really only got into them "into them" because BOB BRYAR IS A SEXY MOTHER TRUCKER! Panic.....welll it's just not the same.

4.) Alex Johnson of The Cab

Omg look at him and tell me he is not the most adorable boy in the whole wide world!! I just want to hug him and never let go! Ahhh! He is sooooo cute!!! I love him soooo much. I plan on telling him this soon.....when I find out his address....lol jk jk

Oh hai another picture of Johnson!

FUCK! Drumers are amazingly hot (Johnson, Bryar, S.Smith, Nate Novarro, P.Stumo, ect).

That's what I want for Christmas....that and World Peace....or Reeses Pieces will do =)

Anyway I'm off, tomorrow I am spending the day in Cicero with Leticia...probably Pattycakez....we're going to see the tree in downtown Chicago...It's funny how I only say downtown and people at work/school are like oh downtown Joliet....and I'm like what the fuck there's a downtown Joliet O_o Soooo where was I going with this??? WHO KNOWS!

And That's How Vero Views It.

Hah I'm just a nerd for Glee! You know how they have that "how Sue Sees it" on the show well this is how Vero Views it =)

So I've come to realize that Ihave a lot of thoughts and not nearly enough time to think them. Yesterday was my first day off in 6 days and all I did was watch tv, then I laid in bed listening to music and thinking. Do you ever do that? Just sit and think? I haven't in so long and I realized that maybe I really need to. I ignore a lot of my thoughts because I just don't have time to think....Does that make any sense?

Anyways one thing that's really on my nerves is Adam Lambert. I don't like him, I never have and it's not because he's gay. He's too over the top. He's overrated. I don't know how to convey my feeling about him so I'll just leave it at that.

People/Things that I think are overrated:

Adam Lambert

Beyonce

Rihanna

Lady Gaga (I just don't get her!! Like I've tried to get her right but I just don't she baffles me! Maybe some day I'll get it but probably not)

Snuggies THEY'RE JUST ROPES THAT YOU PUT ON BACKWARDS!

The Chicago Cubs, they're a horrible team and yet they still have these super loyal fans.

Chicago Sports Omg Chicago people let's get over our sports teams please! I actually annoy myself sometimes when I find that I'm defending my favorite teams.

College. It's not like it is in movies...Well maybe it's because I go to community college. Who knows

Twilight

Taylor (is it er or or??) Lautner. Maybe it's just me but I don't find him very attractive. Is it bad that the whole 6 pack abs or what ever it's called and the huge muscles don't do anything for me? I don't find that HAWT in any way =/ I'm such a weird girl!

Robert Pattinson (Did I get his name right??), basically the same as ^^^^

Research Papers. In English 102 you have to write a ten age paper. The catch is that it has to be about something in a book...and it's a book your teacher chooses. I think it's stupid because what if you absolutely hate the book you had to read or you find that paint drying is more interesting than the book? I think we should be allowed to pick our own topic OR pick our own book (of course it would have to be like a classic or whatever not do it on like Twilight or something) and write the paper on that. I think I could totally write a ten page paper on The Catcher in the Rye. Frankenstein not so much.

Life. It sucks....I think that's it.

Those are the things I think are overrated right now.

Umm so last night it totally hit me that I'm not over Pedro. Why can't I get over him? Like we didn't even date! I have not had a serious crush (wait it's been years so does that qualify as obession?) since my junior year of high school. Every time I meet a new guy, I realized that I think "he's not Pedro" Like this guy, David. He is a perfectly nice guy, he's cute he's smart BUT he's not Pedro. He doesn't sing. He doesn't have beautiful hazel eyes that you get lost in. He doesn't have the same music taste as I do. He doesn't like text messaging or the internet (I know what the fuck?? lol). He's not HIM. And the problem is that I do what with every guy! I can't seem to really like someone because in the back of my mind I'm comparing this new person to Pedro. And it's not cool! I thought I was so over him like blah blah blah there are tons of cute boys blah but it hit me yesterday that he's still not out of my brain.

Why don't I ever write coherently? My brain just wanders and then I forget what I'm writing. I suck =/

So everyone is like super self conscious right? Like me I know I can stand to loose a few (cough 60 lbs cough) pounds but at the same time, I kinda like me. Sure there are times when I look in the mirror and wish I could go in and get plastic surgery done but then some days I'm like damn I'm so adorable! Like no joke the other day I looked in the mirror and was like oh hai pretty girl! But then last week I wanted to just hide from the world. Yeah I don't know where I'm going with this again.

So friends, they're pretty badass to have right? Well what if you have friends but it's not badass? I moved out here (middle of nowhere) 3 (?) years ago and none of my friends have come to visit me in the middle of nowhere. I'm a little annoyed that I have to be the one to travel the 45 to an hour drive so we can hang out. Now I've justified this in the past with "Well they're over there and I'n the only one over here" but isn't friendship supposed to be give and take? It makes me sad when I haven't seen my friends in months because I can't get over to Chicago and they have all these plans to get together. It makes me feel super excluded and like I'm not part of the group anymore. I've only hung out with 5 (?) of my friends from high school since we graduated in June '08. It just sucks not being included.

It's been almost 6 months since Jacque died. Sometimes I just go on her facebook and feel like writing something to her but I always chicken out. I want to tell her I miss her and that I think about her and that I wish....I don't know.

I tend to forget to think positive. I only see the negative side of things. I'm also very self centered. Count how many times I've said " I" in just this journal.

I have to go get ready for work now.

I'm Offended, What Ever Shall I Do?

"these are probably the people who speak in tounges and think they're being possessed by the spirits and start seizering on the floor and shit"

That's part of a comment on the Westboro Baptist Church vs ATL post. Maybe this is the chicken way to deal with this but you know what? I don't really care. I'm not one to start crap on a fucking website.

Why am I offended you might ask? Because I'm a Pentecostal Christian. We believe in the baptism of the Holy Spirit so yes I take offence when someone so carelessly degrades the act of speaking in tonges and dancing in the Holy Spirit.

One speaking in tonges was a sign of the baptism of the Holy Spirit in Bible times.

Two we're not "possessed by the spirits" We're being touched by the Holy Spirit or filled with the Holy Spirit.

Three, it's not "seizering on the floor", it's called dancing/being baptized in the Holy Spirit.

I guess it just makes me mad that people say things like that comment without thinking about it. They're talking crap about stuff they don't know. How are you going to smack talk something that you don't know the first thing about?

Again this goes back to my feelings about how un-Christian friendly the internet is, specifically social networking sites. I know I know, if I have a problem with something I can just ignore it or whatever but it makes me angry that everyone can say how God doesn't exist and how wrong Christian beliefs and practices are but as soon as someone comes and defends the faith they get jumped on.

I've been reading a lot of "Christians are a bunch of ignorant brainwashed assholes" posts lately. I guess to an extent Christians bring it on to themselves but kinda how not all Atheists are the same, not all Christians are the same. Please stop generalizing and saying things like All Christians are idiots. It's not fair nor is it true....

I've just realized how unorganzied my thoughts are which in turn make my writing unorganized.

I don't know anything I guess, after all I'm just one of those "people who speak in tonges and start seizering on the floor and shit."

Spell Fail?

I like how most of the time I start my journals by saying "I should be...." I was legit going to start with I should be doing an outline for speech. Anyways that is what I should be doing but I'm not. I suppose i should also be posting discussion answers for my intro to teaching class. And I should be researching Antibiotic resistance. But mostly writing my outline, it's due today at midnight...Well actually I think my presentation on antibiotic resistance was due today but um i don't know. I don't know much of anything.

Tomorrow I'm going to my first school observation. I've been nauseated all day. Thinking of all the wrong things that could happen.

Do you wanna know what's fucked up about my mom's family?

..... EVERYTHING.

No joke.

So my aunt's baby shower was saturday. It started out good, boring but aren't all baby showers? Anyway then these people (Idk who they were, they weren't related to...I don't think.) started drinking. Then umm shit talking happened. I got angry, embarrassed and umm pissed the fuck off. Angry because my aunt and cousin were talking about my mom behind her back. Embarrassed because my mom was yelling at all the kids to stop running (which is why my aunt and cousin were talking shit). Pissed the fuck off because my mom's family is full of backstabbing bitches. Like if you have a fucking problem don't go and talk shit behind the person's back, either shut the fuck up and control your fucking kid OR say something. I hate when my mom starts telling people how to raise their kids or starts yelling at someone else's kid. It's like what the fuck, do you not see how your kids turned out??? Yeah sure in front of my parents we're well behaved and "nice" kids but well for me it's more out of I don't want to hear them nag and bitch so i just don't do things in front of them. Whatever. It really pissed me off on Saturday. Hmm then everyone started drinking because my mother's family are all drunks. Like not even kidding. They drink FOR EVERYTHING. Baptisms, cotillions, weddings (well that's a given), funerals, kids' birthday parties, baby showers, EVERYTHING. And the thing is that to begin with, my mom and her sisters aren't quiet, now add alcohol to the mix, you get so much fucking noise and arguing. And then my uncle was there and he's an even worse drunk. He legit punched a fucking wall til he broke his hand...and then he threw up everywhere, all this was at a baptism. Anyways I forgot where I was going with this. But anyway. Apparently my aunt (great aunt? She's my mom's aunt but I call her aunt too) married her first cousin....which is fucking gross!! I only found this out because I asked my mom how my uncle's (same drunk uncle as above, he's my mom's cousin but I call him uncle...kinda like my cousins' kids are my niece and nephew ha Mexicans are so weird.)mom was related to us because she doesn't look like anyone in the family. And that is how I found out. Oh and this same aunt was married before and apparently everyone believes her first husband killed my great grandma! My mom was telling me all this and I was like WHAT?!?!?!? She didn't get to expand on the story about the whole my great grandma being murdered because we got home and she was going to bed. But OMG!! Her family is so fucked up! Well I guess compared to my family, hers is fucked up.

Oh by the way, yes I do call my dad's side of the family MY family and my mom's side of the family HER family. It's funny because I actually grew up with them, like we lived in my maternal grandfather's house... But I've never felt like I actually belonged with them. They're loud, outgoing, social, friendly, tiny, skinny, pretty, all things I'm not. I used to want to belong even just a little bit but now I don't want to be anything like any of them. None of them have really done anything with their lives, except my aunt who is in the military. If I'm completely honest, I don't respect any of them, except my aunt Claudia (she's in the military) and my aunt Carmen (She went back to school and got her certification to be a medical assistant this past summer!).

So yeah I don't know what I just wrote.

Oh wait! Like a week or two ago the Chicago SunTimes had an article that made me sad, helpless, and a little angry. The article was stating that Hispanic students are already behind their white peers by the time they enter KINDERGARDEN. KINDERGARDEN GUYS!!! And by the 1st grade, they're behind their other peers who don't speak English as their first language. It saddens me because.... How do they expect these kids to do well when they're already behind in the game? It's unfair to them =/ It makes me feel helpless because honestly? What can *I* do??? What can WE do as a society? There's not much. Universal Preschool?? I don't think that would work either. It makes me angry because....this is all Mexican (or "Hispanic" I don't like the name hispanic so I don't use it often nor do I like the term Latino/a) Parents' fault! What the hell instead of watching their freaking novelas (spanish soap operas) all day, they should be helping their child by going to school THEMESELVES. Do you know how many stay at home Mexican mothers I know that do NOTHING all day but watch their novelas?? Tons! Instead of wasting brain cells with that shit on tv they could be at school or at least trying to learn English. We've made it so easy for them to just keep Spanish. I'm not saying not to speak Spanish. Hell I speak Spanish and I hope to teach my children Spanish. But do you know how much harder it is for a small child to dominate a language when they're learning and hearing English at school and then at home they're listening and speaking Spanish. Most kids by the time they get to 3rd/4th grade don't dominate either language. They've been in school long enough that they don't speak Spanish all the time but they don't speak English properly and also by then their Spanish is nearly forgotten, making it hard for them to communitcate with their Spanish Speaking parents.

I think I went off in a tangent again =/ Well now I've lost my train of thought. I really need to get started on that outline.

Hey if you actually got through all this shit, thanks!

Headdesk

Ugh I'm annoyed! I want to punch things!! Well no I want to punch people! why do i have the friends that I do!?!?? I mean seriously someone answer me that! GGRRRRRRRRR

So im trying to write something here and I can't even think. I'm not even sure why I'm annoyed. It's just like no one seems to get it...but I have no fucking clue what IT is! Like I need to say something but I don't kno what I want to say or who I want to say it to, It's stupid how annoyed I am. i honestly have no reason to be annoyed. I just ugh!

And what the fuck is with eveyone I know fucking having kids!?!? I mean seriously? Everywhere I go someone is pregnant or just had a baby. And honestly how are my lesbian friends all having kids???? Yeah Yeah yeah I know if they're lesbian how can they get pregnant. apparently they decided they werent gay or only bisexual I don't know all I know is that they're having kids now. =/ Why can't I find a guy who wants me? i mean it's like EVERYONE has someone and I have no one. I'm tired of having no one. I'm not saying I want to get married and have kids like right the fuck now but I just want to be wanted. And that makes me feel pathetic. I'm a goddamn woman of the 21st century! I should want to be wanted! I shouldnt want to be told I'm pretty. I feel like I've failed Susan B. Anthony and Elizabeth Cady Staton. I'm sure they're rolling over in their graves right now because of me.

UGH IM DONE! SOMEONE GET ME AWAY FROM THE INTERNET!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sometimes

It's really hard being in the middle.

I wish I didn't have to be the one in the middle all the time.

It's always them against him, him against them.

I'm really tired of it.

He complains about them and their rules, I say you're 24 move the fuck out of the house if you don't like their rules.

They complain that he stays out all night, I say kick him out if you're so tired of dealing with him.

None of them talk to each other.

They all only talk to me.

And it hurts so much.

I hate being their middle person.

Why hello there!

Hi guys!! How is everyone?? Well, I hope =) Since I last wrote, I have turned 20!!! Woot woot no longer a teen!! Which I still haven't decided if it's a good or bad thing. Last year I said I didn't feel like I was 19...well this year it's not different, I don't feel my age! I guess I always thought that at 20 I would have this whole life thing figured out. I'd have my career plan and I'd have the cute boyfriend by my side, and I would be partying with my friends every weekend...but it's not. I'm still as insanely insecure and completely lost as I was in high school...not wait I take it back, I wasn't lost in high school. I was just insanely insecure lol Well actually I think maybe I've gained some self confidence... at least I think I'm cute lmfao Which I mean hello have you seen my smile? I'm adorable! *sigh* anyways! As I was saying, wait what was I saying? Meh so for my birthday, I went miniture golfing with April =) I suck! She beat me lol Then we went to eat at Portillos. It was all stupid drama though, I was originally supposed to hang out with April then go eat with Ana and Patty but Haunted Trails is right by the Portillos we were gonna go to so I was like hey why not just have April come with us. Well apparently all my friends hate each other? *sigh* So whatever I was like screw it and went with April...but then I felt bad for cancelling with Patty and Ana sooo we ended up meeting up for coffee. Fun times were had at Starbucks...I always love hanging out with Ana and Patty, they're awesome. At the same time it's bittersweet. If it weren't for Jacque, my friend who passed away in June, I wouldn't have met them. I wouldn't have met Leticia *she was my best friend through most of high school*. We were trying to figure out how we'd all met and bascially we came to the conclusion that it was because of Jacque. For me, it kinda made me miss her a lot more. I wish she was still around. We're making all these plans for our 21st birthdays and it hurts that she won't be there....I don't know, it's just hard, you know? After sitting around talking at Starbucks we decided to visit Leticia at work lol So we bothered her there for a bit....hmm then we went to this place off Cermak and 16th to get nachos...well actually they got nachos I didn't lmfao I was still full from eating earlier. By that time it was almost 9 so we decided to call it night...mostly because Patty had class the next day and Ana had to work and I live an hour away lmfao. An added bonus was that my mom had to drop some stuff off to my former pastor's wife so we had to stop by my old church and my best friend Andy was there =) Best Birthday present ever! Seeing him and talking and just being with him! It was awesome and made my already great day even better. He's so good at encouraging me and making me feel better just by being himself. =) He is the greatest. I have no idea what I would do without him. Last piece of news is that I guess I'm going back to pretending to be the good little Christian. I felt it was unfair of my new pastor to yell at the youth pastor because I had stopped participating in church. Like I told my mother, my spiritual life is between me and God, not me, God, and the pastor. And last Sunday the pastor's wife was all like Veronica we need to talk and blah blah blah. Sooo what did I do? I pretended to have a good time in church. I sang along with the songs, I said AMEN, I smiled and was pleasant to everyone...and well she never did call me nor did she email me like she said she would. Tomorrow I will be in church, pretending once again. I've decided it's easier to pretend than it is to act like myself. So that is all.

I always forget about titles.

Oh I forgot I was going to write a journal...I just opened it and forgot all about it....

HAI GUISE!!! HOW ARE YOU DOING?

Guess what? My birthday is on Thursday! And I'm spending it with April and she's awesome =) She's got a surprise planned for me...I'm looking forward to it even though I don't really like surprises. lol

Ugh I'm so tired! I worked from 12 to 8 today. I haven't worked an 8 hour shift in a while, it wiped me out. Mostly because I had to do everything. The girl who was there with me tonight fractured her wrist and she just recently came back but she has all these restrictions and it sucks bcuz there is very little she can do. Working in the bakeshop requires a lot of hands on stuff. All she can do is set up, bake and package cookies...and she's slow =/ It makes it harder on me to get everything done. But whatever. I finished my work early. My boss had told me that if I had time to decorate some cakes for the freezer. Shh don't tell my boss but I kinda like to decorate the cakes =) But I don't want to do it because I always think my cakes look icky or whatever, lol. Anyway since I had time I did a few cakes, I wish I had more time though. I only decorated for like an hour.

School has been meh. Nothing really to report about school. It's better now I guess because I have people to talk to in class...well except Intro to Teaching...I spend most of that class on twitter lol It's sooo boring! I have to call schools =/ I've put it off long enough.

Ummm what else....ummm Idk! Okay I'm done rambling for the night!